Liber Call Me Al

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"The Book of the In-Laws"

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1.

Hi! the manipulation of a Nut.

2.

Company of heaven exposed; film at eleven.

3.

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is a Star. Big Deal.

4.

Every number is infinite; fire thy accountant.

5.

I'd like a volunteer from the audience at this point - you, the Warrior Lord of Thebes in the front row.

6.

I've Hadit up to here.

7.

Attention K-Mart Shoppers! It is revealed to !Who vast? the minister of Har-Po-Marx.

8.

The Khabs is in the Khu, right next to the peanut butter.

9.

Worship thou the Khabs, and the Khu will take care of itself.

10.

Let my servants be few and secret; they shall have enough problems without publicity.

11.

These are fools that men adore; for example, Vanna White comes to mind.

12.

Come forth with a fifth and take thy fill of Old Overcoat; thou shalt see stars!

13.

I am above you and in you. I am behind you and beside you. I am hiding behind the curtains. I know when you are sleeping, I see when you're awake. I know if you feel joy or woe so feel joy for goodness sake.

14.

There once was a Goddess, Nuit,
Who dated a God named Hadit.
When Ankh-af-na-khonsu
Saw what they were up to
He shouted "Hail Ra-hoor-khuit!"

15.

You may have already won the priesthood of infinite space, a Winnebago, all power for your wife, or one of 663 other valuable prizes in this Aeon's Prophecy Clearing House Giveaway!

16.

For he is sunburned, and she is a lunatic. He plays with matches, and she wanders around in the dark.

17.

But for you, no such luck.

18.

Look out! There's a snake on your head!

19.

Oh, bend over, and I shall drive thee home!

20.

Say the secret word and the Dove shall drop down.

21.

If the God and the Adorer call, say unto them that I am out of the office; they shall not see me. For I and my Lord Hadit shall be in a meeting verily until the end of time. My Prophet shall call their Prophet.

22.

Now, therefore, I have an unlisted phone number, which shall be revealed to my Prophet when at last he ceaseth making obscene calls. I am Infinite Space, and billions and billions of stars, yet modesty remains my best character trait. Let no difference be made between any one thing and any other thing; in this way wilt thou simplify thine Inventory Control.

23.

But whoso maketh sense of all this, let him explain it to me as soon as possible.

24.

I am a Nut, and my number is up.

25.

Divide, add, multiply, and extract square roots. There will be a quiz at the end of the Aeon.

26.

Then saith the Prophet and the Loss: Where the Hell am I, what am I on, and where can I get more? Then she answered him, her neon-hued body dangling a wide variety of love beads and leather thongs, saying: Like, wow! Everything is everwhere and real, like, for sure! Totally!

27.

Then the Priest answered her, kissing her lovely brow, running his hand lightly along her thigh, nibbling on her earlobes, and unbuttoning her blouse: "Uh. . . Right. What was the question again? Mmmph."

28.

Two breathed the light, faint and faery, of the stars, then asphyxiated.

29.

For I am divided by zero for the chance of confusion.

30.

This is the curriculum of Math; that the pain of long division is nothing, and the agony of Calculus, all.

31.

Screw you all! I got mine, Jack.

32.

Obey my Prophet! Send $20 in cash to me! Make eleven copies of this Book, placing thy Name therein, and disperse them to others as thou wilt. Break not the Chain, and the prosperity shall be without bounds. Would I lie to you?

33.

Then the priest passed out, muttering: Heard any good ordeals, rituals, or laws lately?

34.

But she said: The ordeals are none of thy business; the rituals shall be half known and half published by Francis King; the Law I'll give to anyone willing to haul it away.

35.

Surprise! THIS is the Book of the In-Laws! I'll bet you never guessed, huh? You probably thought this was some ordinary, run-of-the-mill prophetic work dictated by a praeternatural Intelligence.

36.

My secretary In-a-Gadda-da-Vida shall not edit this Book, howsoever badly it may be needed. He may comment thereupon by the wisdom of Pa-Ra-Keet. Thus shall plausible deniability be established.

37.

Also the Mazdas and the Celicas, the Oh-Yeahs and the Cowabungas, the Fafnil and the Zermatroz, the work of the Wand, the Pantacle, the Dagger, but not the Cup; these shall ye teach at weekend seminars.

38.

He must teach; but he may make wild the parties.

39.

The word of the In-Laws is PASADENA.

40.

Who calls us PASADENITES will do no wrong, if he but drives through the city. For there are therein Three Grades: the Little Old Lady, the Techie, and the Man of Suburbia. Possession shall be nine tenths of the Law.

41.

The Formula of Sin is Opposite over Hypotenuse. Oh Man, believe not thy wife when she says she has a headache! There must be fifty-six ways to leave thy lover! There is no bond that can unite the divided but Krazy Glue; accept no substitutes. Darn them! Darn them anyway! Ah, heck.

42.

Practice bondage in groups; thou hast the right to remain silent.

43.

Do that, and await to speak unto thy lawyer.

44.

For the word "unassuaged" is in every way mispronounced.

45.

After all, nobody's Perfect.

46.

The Key of this Law is really nothing special. 61 the Jews call it, or 58 wholesale for family. I call it eight, twelve, three point one four -- whatever I want to. I am a God, after all.

47.

They have the half, and it is the good half, too. Pull yourself together, and tell them to get lost!

48.

My Prophet looks out for number One, One, One.

49.

We regret that all ordeals, words, and signs have been canceled due to the unstable theological conditions in the East. Let Asar be with Isa, as long as they cause no trouble. I don't care; it's not my problem.

50.

Here's a tip on how to run this scam. There are three cons you can use. The gross shall be burned, the fine shall be soaked, and the lofty chosen ones worked over. Thus ye shall have plans and schemes, and nobody shall know what hit them!

51.

There are two doors to one townhouse; the floor of that townhouse has not been vacuumed for months; dirty clothes and stacks of old newspapers are there, and the odor of cat food. Let him enter in turn the two doors, having given 24 hours advance notice to the tenants as required by Law. Will he not sink? Damn. Aargh! If thy handyman sink, the dry rot is worse than I thought. But there are ways and means. Be goodly therefore, or betterly if possible: go to parties; eat cream puff sundaes, and drink generic champagne and beers that foam; play strip poker using a Tarot deck! But be sure to invite Me.

52.

If the layout be botched; if thou neglectest thine proofreading, saying: Who gives a damn; or saying, Let's order pizza, then shall Pa-Ra-Keet smite thee, and thy pepperoni shall breed pestilence.

53.

Believe me, this will make my sister feel much better. But remember, even though you think you're such hot stuff, it shall not help thee in Court. Have fun while you still can, Me Too! Me Too!

54.

Thou shalt be graded on content, spelling and grammer.

55.

Thy work shall serve as Papyri Ani.

56.

Expect it not from the East or West, but watch out for the South. Argh! All reasonable offers are accepted, and all answers correct, save only that some are stupider than others; solve the first half of the equation, get partial credit. But thou art still wholly in the dark.

57.

Go outside, for God's sake! Love in the raw, love under water! But be careful; there are love and love. There is the dove, and there is the can of whipped cream, a great deal of rope, and a cooperative sheep. Choose ye well! He, my toady, has chosen, knowing the House Rules, which are admittedly confusing. The gallery proofs of my Book look okay, but ~ is not the Star; I think it's a squashed bug. Leave it in; it will keep people guessing.

58.

I give unusual; punctuation while, in life, upon death: full stops. Not commas, nor do I demand proofreading

59.

My incense is of Chanel No. 5 and tapioca; and there are no preservatives therein, because the Washington Monument is exactly 555 feet tall.

60.

I can count to 11, more than most of those who are with us. The White Five Pointed Star, with a "T" in the middle, and the "T" is red. My color is black and white in the basic configuration, but red, green and blue are seen by those who buy the graphics display adapter. Also I have a high resolution option for those who pay through the nose.

61.

But to love me is to know me; if, under the night stars in the desert, thou presently freezeth thy ass off before me, invoking me out of pure desperation, thou shalt come a little to lie in a poorly insulated sleeping bag. For one bonfire wilt thou then be willing to give all; but whoso ignites one juniper twig shall be arrested by Park Rangers within the hour. Ye shall gather junk food and suntan oil; ye shall wear dark glasses, ye shall wish ye were at the beach. I charge you earnestly to come before me carrying a ridiculously heavy backpack. Pale or puce, Libertarian or libertine, I who am without good taste desire you. Put on the wings, and you'll look just like a chicken!

62.

Every time I see you I shall whine "Me Too! Me Too!", reminding thee strongly of thy little sister, and thy heart shall burn with annoyance.

63.

Sing the rapturous love song unto me, or at least hum a few bars of "Aleister's Restaurant":

You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister's Restaurant;
You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister's Restaurant;
Just drop on by, we're in Cefalu,
Later on today we'll have a mass for Nu;
You can do anything thou wilt, at Aleister's Restaurant;

64.

I am an airhead who uses too much makeup in the evening.

65.

Me Too! Me Too!

66.

The Manipulation of a Nut is at an end. Tune in tomorrow for more excitement -- same BAPH time, same BAPH channeling.

[Ed. Note: The manuscript to the Book of the Inlaws was discovered in a sealed closet in Claremont in 1954 and is estimated to have originated circa 1900. The three chapters are said to have been dictated to the Master 999 over three consecutive years, on April 1st of each year. The original manuscript is written in pig-latin. It is believed that this book is the source of over 93% of all modern cliches. This additional information was scheduled to appear as an introduction to our publication of the first chapter, last Spring, but the curse of the "Editor's memory lapse" prevented the appearance of same.]

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