Keeping Scientology (from) Working

The following is a short parody of a paper which is found at the very start of every course textbook used in Scientology. The actual author would prefer to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

Stealing the correct technology
Knowing the stolen technology
Knowing it is stolen

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2014 Sake Professional Course

To anyone who knows me, it should come as no surprise that I enjoy Japanese Sake (also known as Nihon-shu in Japanese to distinguish it from sake, the Japanese word for alcoholic beverages in general). Living in Japan puts me in almost constant contact with a steady stream of new brands as most restaurants which are serious about Sake make a point to bring new ones in pretty much every week. There are at least three restaurants in my immediate neighborhood where the staff knows that my preference is to drink something I haven’t had before. At this point, I don’t even need to look at the menu any more. So it seems only logical that I would eventually find myself in John Gauntner’s Sake Professional Course.
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The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

from Free Agent March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper)
Republished in the Utne Reader Nov/Dec 1993

We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy had hoped to write “a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.” The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.
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Dan Quayle Quotes

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” — J. Danforth Quayle

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — J. Danforth Quayle

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” — Vice President Dan Quayle
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The Number of the Beast

Ok, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But have you seen these:

$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh… what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 Highway of the Beast
666 F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666K Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666i BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbor of the Beast
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Done anything interesting lately?

Here’s an application to NYU undergrad. The student was accepted.

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Sobering Advice for anyone contemplating a cross-cultural marriage

This hard-won advice is intended only for those couples who are truly considering entering into a cross-cultural marital situation. Simply marrying someone whose ancestry is different from your own is not quite the same thing. Much of who we are and what we believe is the result of what we see around us as examples during our childhood. Someone born in Japan who is brought to the United States before school age and who has lived here ever since will not benefit so much from the advice I have to give here. I’m not saying there will not be obstacles to overcome in any case. Just that my particular experience is with someone who was raised all her life in a different culture from myself and it is to those in a similar situation that I address this discourse.
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Social Media Really Isn’t…

Back in the days when cards and letters took days (sometimes weeks) to reach their destination and calling a distant friend on the telephone cost more than a decent dinner, people tended to make each contact count by including as much recent news as possible. Generally, the communication was aimed at a specific person or family so the contents were often personal, based on the relationship the sender had with the recipient. Not always, of course. I still recall receiving end-of-year “form letters” from friends who thought it was simpler to just dump the news of one’s latest adventures on everyone at once. But, more often than not, the result of the contact was usually a genuine, heartfelt connection; a real feeling of two people having caught up with each other.
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Things to know before visiting Japan

This is an excerpt from a letter I sent to my step-daughter before she brought my son over to visit me in Japan for the summer. At the time I had only been in Japan for about six months (and living in Tokyo at that) so some of the comments may seem somewhat biased and naive. I have removed any personal references from the letter and, in some places, have made additional comments where my current opinion differs from that which I held at the time the letter was written. Still, it contains what I thought were the most important things to keep in mind at the time.
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Scientology, the Ultimate Implant

(L. Ron Hubbard)

Original Founder’s Bulletin #1


The Ultimate Implant

My dear old friends,

You had better take a seat for this one, I am about to shatter some realities here. This may very well be the most incomprehensible and fantastic account you have ever conceived; but I am afraid it is all too true.

The story is long and very, very complicated; but in a few words I shall give you more truth per square word than you’ve probably heard for some time now. As some of you may have suspected I came from another world. Many facts have remained undisclosed because of the existing reality level on earth; but there are things you should know.
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